1. ASManager2_6.zip Driver
2. D_REV1.txt File Contents

D_REV1.txt Driver File Contents (ASManager2_6.zip)

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Revision I: Paragraph Development

If you are like most of us, you write your ideas as you think of them, not necessarily in the best order. The great thing about a computer or AlphaSmart device is that once you've written something on the screen, it's easy to move sentences around so they are in the right order.

Remember the paragraph from the earlier activities, the one about lengthening the school year? A copy appears on-screen below. Move the three middle sentences around to strengthen the paragraph.


Example Paragraph

The school year should be lengthened by twenty days. Students would get less bored and, therefore, into less trouble if they had a shorter vacation. Students would forget less if the summer vacation were not as long as it is. American students need more schooling to compete with the rest of the world. If the school year is not lengthened, America will continue to fall further and further behind the rest of the industrial world.



Name and save this file now. (Press ctrl+S, type a name for the file, and press enter.)



Compare your version to the one below. Which do you like more, yours or this one?

The school year should be lengthened by twenty days. American students need more schooling to compete with the rest of the world. Students would forget less if the summer vacation were not as long as it is. Students would get less bored and, therefore, into less trouble if they had a shorter vacation. If the school year is not lengthened, America will continue to fall further and further behind the rest of the industrial world.


This writer had an organizing principle in mind. Talk with your partners about the possible principle behind this organization.


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The next step is revision. This is not proofreading. Proofreading is correcting of mechanics, spelling, and grammar. Of course, if you run across an heir [error] while you are revising, you correct it. But during revision, you are concerned with content:

*  Are you making sense?
*  Are your points in the best possible order?
*  Are you developing your points thoroughly?
*  Are you logical in what you are arguing?

It is incredibly easy to make changes on screen -- to add support, to move points around, to add a word, or to add a sentence. So by all means take advantage of this great tool!

Generally, in revision writers start developing their major points more completely. That makes sense. When you build something, you start with the frame, and then you start doing the finishing work. But before you start that finishing work, you make sure the frame is the way you want it.

In the sample paragraph on lengthening the school year, the main points lack supporting details. The details have been added below in capital letters so you can easily find them.

Example Paragraph

The school year should be lengthened by twenty days. American students need more schooling to compete with the rest of the world. AMERICAN STUDENTS ATTEND SCHOOL FEWER DAYS PER YEAR THAN THE STUDENTS IN ANY OF THE OTHER TOP TWENTY INDUSTRIAL NATIONS. Students would forget less if the summer vacation were not as long as it is. MANY CLASSES NEED TO SPEND MOST OF THE FIRST QUARTER REVIEWING WHAT WAS LEARNED THE PREVIOUS YEAR, BEFORE THEY CAN GO ON TO NEW MATERIAL. Students would get less bored and, therefore, into less trouble if they had a shorter vacation. THE CRIME RATE GOES UP AMONG JUVENILES IN THE SUMMER BECAUSE THEY HAVE FEWER THINGS TO DO AND MORE TIME ON THEIR HANDS. If the school year is not lengthened, America will continue to fall further and further behind the rest of the industrial world.


Okay, we probably still don't have all of you in agreement with us, but we hope that the revised paragraph is beginning to catch a few of you.


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To understand the structure of a paragraph, it helps to break it down sentence by sentence so that you can see what each sentence contributes to the paragraph. (This is also a good way of checking the unity of your writing.) And this is easy to do with word processing. Just position the cursor at the end of each sentence and press the enter key. To rebuild the paragraph, just position the cursor in front of each sentence and press either the delete key or the backspace key to delete the return marker.

Here is the example paragraph broken down in this way. The labels are abbreviated:

TS = Topic sentence
MP = main point
SD = supporting detail

TS: The school year should be lengthened by twenty days.

MP: American students need more schooling to compete with the rest of the world.

SD: American students attend school fewer days per year than the students in any of the other top twenty industrial nations.

MP: Students would forget less if the summer vacation were not as long as it is.

SD: Many classes need to spend most of the first quarter reviewing what was learned the previous year, before they can go on to new material.

MP: Students would get less bored and, therefore, into less trouble if they had a shorter vacation.

SD: The crime rate goes up among juveniles in the summer because they have fewer things to do and more time on their hands.

CONCLUSION: If the school year is not lengthened, America will continue to fall further and further behind the rest of the industrial world.


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My Essay

Now go to the file you worked on earlier. Choose one of the paragraphs there to rewrite.

First, develop the paragraph further by adding supporting details. Use the library if you need to find facts that support your point. Support can also be gathered from examples in your experience, from anecdotes, or by the use of logic. Your topic and your audience should help you determine what might work best.

Then, break the paragraph down sentence by sentence, labeling each sentence as in the example above (TS, MP, SD, or CONCLUSION). If you find any sentences that defy labeling, you may have sentences that don't belong in the paragraph. You may also find you have some redundancies or needless repetition. If so, delete the unnecessary material.



If you haven't done so already, name and save this file now. (Press ctrl+S, type a name for the file, and press enter.)

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end of activity
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